All references to party affiliation include those who lean toward that party: Republicans include those who identify as Republicans and independents who say they lean toward the Republican Party, and Democrats include those who identify as Democrats and independents who say they lean toward the Democratic Party. Fresh data delivered Saturday mornings. It organizes the public into nine distinct groups, based on an analysis of their attitudes and values.
Even in a polarized era, the survey reveals deep divisions in both partisan coalitions. Use this tool to compare the groups on some key topics and their demographics. Pew Research Center now uses as the last birth year for Millennials in our work. President Michael Dimock explains why. About Pew Research Center Pew Research Center is a nonpartisan fact tank that informs the public about the issues, attitudes and trends shaping the world.
It conducts public opinion polling, demographic research, media content analysis and other empirical social science research. Pew Research Center does not take policy positions. It is a subsidiary of The Pew Charitable Trusts. Newsletters Donate My Account. Research Topics. The reasons why people get married and the reasons they move in with a partner differ in some key ways Most married and cohabiting adults cite love and companionship as major reasons why they decided to get married or move in with a partner.
Younger adults are more likely to see cohabitation as a path to a successful marriage About half of U. A majority of Americans say cohabiting couples can raise children just as well as married couples Just over half of cohabiting adults ages 18 to 44 are raising children, including about a third who are living with a child they share with their current partner.
Most Americans favor allowing unmarried couples to have the same legal rights as married couples About two-thirds of U. In our research we have found overwhelming consistency in certain behavioral patterns that systematically sabotage real intimacy. First off, the search for a partner to whom we feel a real attraction and deep connection is a challenge that it would be foolish to underestimate. The idea of a soulmate is a pleasing way to maintain faith that there is that perfect someone out there just waiting to complete us.
If we are used to taking control, we may seek someone who is passive. If we are used to being a wallflower, we may seek someone who dominates conversations. Though the match may seem to work well or make us feel secure in the beginning, eventually we grow to resent our partners for the very quality that drew us to them in the first place. Conversely, we may seek someone who compensates for our pasts by acting distant or aloof. These often unconscious negative motivators reside within us like mis-attuned matchmakers, driving us toward destructive partners.
For example, a woman who grew up feeling rejected by her parents found herself choosing men who were distant and resistant to commitment. When she finally met someone who showed a real interest in her, however, she struggled to accept his affections. Going against our negative instincts and choosing someone who brings out the best in us is the first step toward finding lasting love.
Every human is flawed. We have all been hurt in very particular ways that then allow us to hurt those close to us in other very particular ways. One of the ways we hurt our relationship is by distorting our partners. Yes, it is true, that often the closer we get to someone, the more driven we become to push them away. This is also a side-effect of a fear of intimacy lingering below the surface and warning us not to be too vulnerable or too intimate. However, this fear also motivates us to react to our partners in ways that are excessively controlling, critical and unkind.
We can take a behavior as simple as a delay in unlocking the passenger door to a car as insensitive, or we can feel hurt by something as natural as our partner choosing to spend an evening out with friends.
When we sense ourselves becoming mean and critical of our partner, we should take note of how we may be distorting him or her. Be wary of a critical inner voice telling us to be upset, suspicious and mistrusting. Still, the more we react to them, the more we actually provoke these characteristic in our partners. Worse yet, we accomplish the very goal of our critical inner coach; we create distance from our partner by failing to relate to him or her in a way that is sensitive or attuned. Do not be fooled by the title of this book - this is not about finding a husband, rather it is about becoming a better person, whether that means you're single or already in a relationship.
I discovered this book because I like reading the Huffington Post and I came across McMillian's article on why women might not be attracting the best people into their lives.
I found the book to be very insightful and though it was primarily aimed at women, I think it's a good read for men as well. Like I sai Do not be fooled by the title of this book - this is not about finding a husband, rather it is about becoming a better person, whether that means you're single or already in a relationship.
Like I said before it's not about getting a boyfriend or husband but developing yourself through kindness, self acceptance and love in order to evolve into a better person. This will either bring better people into your life or make the relationship you're in even stronger.
Going through a rough patch right now I found the message here incredibly meaningful - unconditional love, something that we all want but are rarely ever able to give, is about loving someone even when they don't deserve it.
I think that message is relevant to everyone. View 2 comments. May 04, Hemani rated it it was ok. Her quick witted retorts and tough talk about casual sex and marriage as the most difficult yoga enticed me to pick up her book. My hope was that I would find in its pages some fresh engaging perspectives on loving and ways to enhance my relating in gerund form on purpose.
While there are one or two nuggets of wisdom, although hardly original, I found myself bored and at times wond I first heard about this author during one of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday marathons--McMillan was a featured guest. While there are one or two nuggets of wisdom, although hardly original, I found myself bored and at times wondering how the students in a Gender and Communication course would respond to what is clearly some extremely reductive thinking on gender prescriptions and roles.
Sure, she tried to preempt the feminist critique with an argument that goes like this: do you want to be a feminist or do you want to be married? And, if your answer is "both" then the author positions you into the "bitch" category, a word she uses with a degree of recklessness I find troublesome for someone who is allegedly on a spiritual sojourn.
Frankly, most "traditional" approaches to relating are more nuanced than what McMillan has written when it comes to roles. I believe this to be a bubble gum pop psychology on relating infused with some very real lived experiences that the author frames within the lessons that she has learned along the way. This book is written for cisgendered heterosexual women, in particular those who prefer to have someone else do their thinking for them; women in their 20s perhaps.
Most critical thinking, strong and sensitive women can do without this book. View all 3 comments. May 08, Audre rated it did not like it. This is going to be a bad review but before I start I want to get what I liked out of the way first. Tracy has one section about how you need hobbies and you need to be able to fulfill yourself, sexually and emotionally.
Great, so true, love it. She has another section on learning to love yourself, she adds some weird points but overall a good message. AND that's IT. That is where the good advice in this book stops. Now, I don't care about calling someone a bitch, or using flashy chapter titles This is going to be a bad review but before I start I want to get what I liked out of the way first.
Now, I don't care about calling someone a bitch, or using flashy chapter titles to grab attention, whatever, do whatever you want, what I can't stand is this book essentially telling women to completely change themselves so a man will tolerate them. The amount of times Tracy told me to nurture a man is about ten times too many.
Let's break it down because I'm in quarantine and have the time. PSA: I am very hard on Tracy in this review, normally I don't care much about the author and I go more into the content of the book but because Tracy pulls so much from her own experience, her own ideas and thoughts as basis for the points and "help" in this book I have no choice but to go after the author while also critiquing the book.
Introduction: Tracy paints a picture of the average women in her twenties, which being in my twenties relates to none of me or my friends and sounds very condescending. Weird, I kept reading. Chapter 1: You're a Bitch aka you need to be nicer to men because when you are mean to them it makes them sad. No shit Tracy, I acknowledge men are people who have feelings. But she says "are you mad because men want you to cook and clean for them, well you shouldn't be" huh?
Men have systematically exploited womens free labour in the home for centuries so when a dude expects me to make him a sandwich because I have a vagina, yeah, it pisses me off. But that apparently hurts his feelings, so I should stop. Tracy states that women being angry all the time makes us undesirable to men, which alone is true, no one wants a grouchy partner regardless of the gender.
What she fails to address is why women are angry, why you have a right to be angry, and what is valid anger. She also fails to address the fact that a man assumes me not smiling at him is me being a bitch and I assume that a man not smiling at me means literally nothing. I have been called a bitch by a man for saying "excuse me" while trying to pass him, and according to how Tracy lays it out in this book, I must have hurt his feelings and I should be nicer.
On top of all this she states that female anger is scary for men because of their moms and that is another reason we as women should rein it in. She also adds a fun little excerpt about smiling more and why you should do it for men and only men so that they like you and think you are nice.
Then as she does at the end of every chapter she talks about her own mistakes and what she's learned. Which in this case is men are people too.
Wow, shocker. She adds a fun thing about how you don't have to turn yourself into a male fantasy like Kim K because and I quote "actually, she's a little too desperate for attention".
Let's break that down. Tracy here, is insulting a literal reality TV star keep in mind her entire empire has been built on the fact people want to pay attention to her as being too needy for attention. Cool, I didn't know that putting down other successful women was a way to get attention from men, oh wait, that's where the phrase "I'm not like other girls" comes from. Can you see why I hate this book? In the "you need to change" section at the end of every chapter, Tracy states that changing your story can change your outlook on life.
Which I agree with, I've heard this before, that you need to view things as more neutral. State things as them happening to you, not happening because of you. Tracy takes this an almost insane step further. She wants you to say things like "I left my mom'' rather then "my mother abandoned me as a baby".
Now, Tracy I hate to break it to you but that's not stopping the victim mentality, that's just straight up lying to yourself. Very interesting. Chapter 2: You're Shallow This chapter hinges on the fact that you have to pick a man for what is within, not his bank account or height.
That's solid advice, she even says to talk to men you don't immediately want to sleep with, which contradicts her weird thing in Chapter 9 where she says you can't have male friends and gives an example of constantly being friendly with a male coworker as bad and hurting your chances at marriage. Write that down. Next she has a section on why objectifying men is bad, because as a woman you've been objectified and it sucks.
Then she moves on, yes, that fast, she doesn't take into account that womens objectifying men goes something like "I want a tall dude" and mens objectifying women involve hours of rape porn to the point of seeing us as holes. Which leads me to my main problem with this book. Overall, the advice is off, but barely off, like milk that's only been left out one day not a whole week.
That alone is not enough to make me lose my mind and dissect every single chapter for fun. What truly drives me up the wall which coincidentally makes me crazy and therefore undesirable to men as told in Chapter 4 You're Crazy is that she fails to mention or even think about why women act so "crazy" or "shallow" or "bitchy". Not once does she look into the difference between men and women unless it's to tell the readers how to take care of a man. She fails to consider women want a man who makes a certain amount of money because the woman has given up on expecting respect from a man and the least she can hope for is someone who can put her kids through college.
Or the bitchy woman who snaps at men has been hit on so much in the grocery store she scowls so she can shop in peace. Or that "crazy" woman we will hear about later has been gaslit so many times she can't even trust her own perception so she texts dudes six times in a row to try to get a clear picture.
Tracy fails to acknowledge what women face in modern dating and instead tells her audience, which is all women, they need to tone it down so that they can feel a scrap of love from a man. In this chapter she has a weird sentence where she basically says men don't want someone that is hot anyway cause they don't want to have to do the work of fighting off other men.
Then she makes a fun list about why rich men aren't all they are chalked up to be, just what I needed Tracy, thank you for the wisdom. Chapter 3: You're a Slut Tracy starts by saying she isn't judgmental. From the excerpt in every single chapter she has talking about her friends and why they aren't married I would say that's not true. But alas Tracy, we already know you lie to yourself from Chapter 2 which goes against Chapter 8.
Tracy says that your sex life determines how men treat you in the beginning of the relationship. She also states "there is biology underlying sex and dating and mating" This "biology" is never quoted or credited and so I choose to not believe her, this is due to the fact that by this point in the book I already wanted to slap Tracy.
Tracy says sex always leads to a relationship. I can use three different men I alone have slept with that are doing god knows what because I never got into a relationship with them to destabilize that statement. I can then gather maybe three of my friends to recount their experiences that also counter that argument.
Bam, that easy. Tracy then goes on to list the versions of casual sex you can, but shouldn't, have. She also adds a fun little point that just because a dude leads you on and you think you are in a relationship but you're actually not that's not his fault. Because remember ladies, he is a man and therefore him acting in his self-interest and hurting you is your fault because you should have known better. Not my words, literally hers.
Then Tracy goes on to point out why one of her friends isn't married in one of the funniest unintentionally excerpts in the entire book. Her friend Melissa isn't married because she periodically has "incredible sex" with a French dude named Pascal who calls her cute pet names and sounds like an overall chill dude. Melissa apparently keeps going back to Pascal because she "bonded" with him. Yup, that's a term Tracy uses with complete seriousness. Now if you read this passage without Tracy's judgmental comments and just the facts, it sounds like Melissa is living it up with a personal booty call by the name of Pascal who is a god in the sack, but no!
This is bad! Then before the Chapter ends Tracy reminds us to never settle which sounds a lot to me like being the shallow bitch she called me in Chapter 1 and 2. She ends the chapter with some normal sounding advice like don't date a guy just because you are lonely and learn how to fulfill yourself which would have come across as good advice if it hadn't been marred by everything she said earlier.
Chapter 4: You're Crazy Like every single chapter in this book Tracy takes what could be good advice like "think before you speak" and "the things you are doing impulsively hurt you" and ruins it almost immediately with a little anecdote about how if you leave a restaurant in the middle of dinner cause the guy you are seeing is texting another woman he will look at you like you are crazy and you will have ruined everything.
I want to know what editor greenlit this book. Why is no one siding with the women and their valid feelings in all of her little stories? Why in a book about how to become a better woman, written by a woman, the main theme is tone it down? And infuriatingly Tracy says in chapter one that if you are a woman who is mad it's invalid and due to all your own issues and you are a bitch. This is only further touched on in this chapter. Tracy could've written the "conceal don't feel" song from Frozen except that would be the last song she sings as her final character arc in becoming the perfect woman.
Tracy says that crazy is all about intensity and that if you don't want a dude to see you after you've gotten a bad haircut you qualify as crazy. Which is interesting because she says in Chapter 6 that if you can't keep your house, appearance, or life in order you are a mess and therefore men will not want you as a wife.
Be independent but not too independent, be in control but not controlling, be hot but not too hot. Love it! Contradictions are the spice of self help books. Also she mentions men are more intense than women so when we get too "crazy" they can literally explode but it's just their biology and we can't blame them because again, and say it with me this time, everything a man does is your fault because you are a woman.
You know what this reminds me of, this reminds me of the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl except instead of it being a critique is a guideline on how to get a husband. Tracy helpfully adds that being crazy to men makes them, and I quote, "weirded-out, victimized, frightened or angry men out there. It's bad for them and it's bad for us. It's bad for the world".
So when men are angry it's our fault but when we are angry it's not men's fault, it's again, our fault. Tracy suggests getting therapy so you can deal with your crazy and not set off any more men. I also want to reiterate what I've said before.
This book has good advice, Tracy talks about self soothing and honestly getting a therapist is a great idea for anyone and everyone. The problem with this book is the good is hidden with the bad. It's fundamentally wrong to think you are in charge of someone else's feelings.
You are responsible for you and you alone, if a man you are dating is mad maybe he should take a fucking walk and self sooth. Now I went through every single chapter of this book. Yes, I did, but the word limit stopped me from posting it all. I have it in a document so if anyone has an idea of where I can post it shoot me a message or leave a comment. But she has clearly never read intersectional feminism literature, considered how being a white woman in america affects her outlook, or how her own trauma is not a universal experience.
Any good or relevant advice is lost in a sea of opinions that vary from weird to harmful. View 1 comment. This book sits in a hidden corner of my bookshelf but is well worn and loved. Don't be fooled by the bad marketing and supposedly sassy but actually kind of offensive language used in the title and as the chapters. This book is written from a place of deep sympathy, love and understanding for what women go through. It is fundamentally grounded in the idea that to be happy inside of a relationship, you have to be happy and loving outside of one.
It is incredibly intimate - tracy talks openly an This book sits in a hidden corner of my bookshelf but is well worn and loved. It is incredibly intimate - tracy talks openly and honestly about her failed relationships with men, about her troubled childhood, and about the wisdom of motherhood in an incredibly comforting way. Why You're Not Married is broken down into ten chapters, each containing the reason that may be holding you back from developing satisfying and longterm relationships.
The titles to each of these chapters are misleading and reek of bad self-help, but the contents are incredibly wise and true.
Here they are, listed by what is really contained in each chapter: 1 Anger is getting in the way of connecting with others. This is labeled as "Bitch" but is really just about using meanness, judgement or anger to keep people away. Tracy encourages women to be picky about things that matter and let the little things go. She points out that when men do this, we rightfully call them sexist. People like this are dating objects and prizes, not partners. Labeled as "Slut" but actually about knowing what you want and sticking to it.
Tracy encourages you to have casual sex if you know that's what you want and you have had good experiences with it. You're allowed to be emotional. This doesn't mean you need to bring a man sandwiches when he demands.
Tracy only encourages you to have a more realistic view of what a relationship means. Just like you want your man to be generous, kind, loving, forgiving and giving, you need to offer him all these things. She lists many - drinking, messiness, depression, etc - but emphasizes that they need to to seriously affect your life in a negative way.
This isn't about eliminating all your little quirks and flaws, but about being realistic with how well you function as a single person and about letting go of the idea that you are going to fix this inside of a relationship. Tracy emphasizes the fact that being in a relationship isn't going to help you. After all, wherever You go there You are. She also mentions that people who are dysfunctional tend to choose and attract partners who are dysfunctional.
If you want a stable relationship, don't tell a man that is upfront with you about wanting something casual that its okay. If you want a man that is kind and honest, don't date a mean liar and tell yourself he will change or you're just with him until you find someone better.
But, it does acknowledge that everyone has both feminine and masculine sides to themselves and that often times, being a good partner means allowing yourself to be nurturing, open to new ideas, willing to depend on another person, etc. I think I would add to this that men should adopt some of these traits as well. Its just about having faith that if you have already conquered all the above things and you still haven't found the right guy, its okay because you know it will eventually work out.
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