Their new working paper confirms that backhanded compliments are a terrible idea. In a series of studies, they found that while people intend them to increase their likeability and status at the same time, the givers come across as less sincere, less attractive, more condescending, and even less competent than those who offer a traditional compliment.
The most offensive type of backhanded compliment involves being favorably compared to a stereotyped grouping or to a negative expectation.
And yet, when people say it, they mean it as a compliment. Not surprising, study respondents said the way to be liked is to give a genuine compliment. When faced with an offensive comment or act, it is rare for others to speak up in the moment, leaving backhanded complimenters with a false sense that what they said was fine.
Though flatterers are deemed insecure and unlikeable, their backhanded compliments can still inflict a potent dose of psychic harm. The power of suggestion is so strong. It shouldn't be shocking when someone with a disability is able to accomplish just as much as their able-bodied peers, and the fact that they perform mundane tasks such as grocery shopping or going to the gym shouldn't be held up as brave or inspiring.
Doing so reduces people with disabilities to their disabilities. Everybody experiences carrying a baby or babies differently, and pregnancy is not an invitation to comment on or scrutinize women's bodies. Parents get shamed both for choosing to stay home with their kids and for going back to work after having kids, but every family should do what's right for them. As parenting blogger Kristina Kuzmic says, " Mind your own motherhood. It's generally not a good idea to comment on the size of someone's body.
There are plenty of unhealthy reasons why someone could have lost weight, such as an illness or disordered eating, so weight loss is not necessarily a good thing. It also implies that they didn't look as great when they weighed more and reinforces the idea that "pretty" has to mean "thin.
Telling a person of color that they speak English well without knowing anything about their background means that you're assuming they can't speak English well in the first place. And slow escalation can desensitize you to its effects. Over time, negging can damage your self-esteem and change the way you live.
It can also spiral into severe emotional or physical abuse. It can happen to anyone. It might come from a parent, boss, co-worker, friend, spouse, or significant other. They get you feeling pretty good — then they knock you down. Timing is everything in this scenario, and the point is to knock the wind out of your sails and keep attention on them.
A carefully worded question can easily serve as an insult. We all say bad things once in a while and accidentally hurt people we care about. But we recognize our errors, apologize, and try not to do it again.
You may find it helpful to consider the following and move forward with what feels appropriate for your situation:. Verbal and emotional abuse can escalate to physical abuse. Long-term effects of remaining in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship can include anxiety , depression , and chronic pain. Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn't have to be physical, like in verbal abuse.
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